ITS RAINING S***

You know how every once in a while something happens that reminds you that God has a sense of humor?  Things like leaving your zipper down when you aren't wearing underwear or someone asks you if you are pregnant after you've had a big meal? That one doesn't happen to me but I know it happens. Well, I had one of those mornings.  We are leaving LA today and decided to grab some breakfast before heading to the airport. The hotel suggested this really cute place down the block. When we walked in  we saw there was not a place inside to sit so we went out to a really neat patio area that was under an ivy filled canopy. I even remarked "it is like eating in a birds nest." it was really a great place to enjoy the morning. Then my animal loving wife says" look at all of the sparrows in the ivy, isn't that cute?" I agree and we order. About the time my drink arrives I feel this "plop" on my head. It was the type of plop that you know immediately isn't good. I reach up and sure enough one of the birds has crapped on my head. I grab a napkin to try and wipe the poop out of my freshly washed hair as my wife is laughing. As I excuse myself I can hear my wife and the other customers talking about how funny it was that the "cute" birds picked me to crap on. When I get back things have settled down and our food arrives. My wife starts to tell me that she has always thought that her deceased mother sometimes came back in the form of a sparrow and there was a chance it was her mom that thought it would be funny to soil me at breakfast. As I start explaining to her that her mother was definitely not a sparrow  but instead was in Heaven taking care of our dead cat, I GOT SHIT ON AGAIN!!!!!! This time on my face,just below my eye.  As the entire patio broke into a roar of laughter I walk off to the bathroom again yelling "THIS PLACE SUCKS AND STOP FEEDING THESE BIRDS!!!" 

God does have a great sense of humor and I guess it was just my turn to be the brunt of the joke....AGAIN!  I guess it could have been my mother-in-law. If so ,she got  me pretty good. I will email you from Vegas where it can only get better.

BAD BEAT BUT GOOD DAY

I am in LA and have had a great trip. Mrs. Fat Jack and I had a full day that included eating at the place they filmed the movie "gidget" and a walk on the beach that included a trip to Mathew McConehey's mobile home in Malibu.Long story. I played poker all day yesterday and had a good time. It could have been better financially but still ok. Here is what happened.

I was playing in a 25-50 NLH game with a 5k buy-in. After winning about 4k I got into a hand that changed my day and not in a good way. If you play poker, see what you would have done...

I have QhQd and it is raised to 150.00 before the flop. There were 4 callers. The  flop came Jd 10d 9s. A guy bets 600.00. I raise to 2k,he calls. The turn is  6d. He checks, I think he might  have AK or maybe AQ and one of those might be a diamond so I bet 2k,he calls. The river is 4h. We both check and he shows JsJc for top set. I LOSE and try not to tump the table over. I hate losing. The problem with NL poker is you can build up your money over 2 hours and then lose it all in one hand.

The good news is my wife and I had a great few days and are ready for Vegas tomorrow. The other great news is that after a winning week in hoops last week we were 5-0 today in basketball and 6-2 on the week. We are looking for a big weekend. 

If you dont play poker I am sorry you had to read this entry and as you know, I dont normally talk poker but i know some of you might be interested. Next entry from Sin City and what promises to be a big weekend with lots of stories.

THE BALANCE OF THINGS

It is the Sunday before the Super Bowl. I am suppose to be in LA playing poker. Every year I leave the Friday before the Super Bowl and go to LA for the LA Poker Open. This has become one of my favorite trips of the year.My wife always joins me on Monday and then we go together to Vegas to meet all of my people for the best Super Bowl party on the planet. Because I am playing a lot of poker the first few days, I always either go with one of my poker playing buddies or I go by myself. I know a lot of the pro poker players so we go eat and hang out but I leave Oklahoma alone. This has never been a problem for me. I am one of those people that doesn't mind doing things alone and frankly it allows me to clear my head before the big weekend in Vegas.

Here is the problem.

The first 2 times I went, my kids were small so it was a nice break from all of the noise. 2 years ago my son told me he was really really going to miss me but I went anyway. Last year my son said he loved me sooo much and please have fun and bring him something back. My daughter started crying and didn't understand why I was leaving. After circling the airport about 4 times I decided to go. Yesterday, I could see it was going to be tough so I decided to wait and go Monday when Caryn goes because I didn't have it in me to leave alone. I could see the balance turning over the last couple of years and I think I can say, I would rather spend the day with my kids as apposed to spending it with a bunch of grumpy bushman poker players. They will have to wait until Monday to see me, my kids needed me today.

I will let you know how it is going in LA on Tuesday. Have a good week.

WORST THING ABOUT THIS YEARS SUPER BOWL

The Super Bowl is almost here. Yesterday, I was telling my wife how much I love this time of year. Football is wrapping up and hoops are in full swing. I will be going to LA on Saturday for the LA Poker Open and then on to Vegas for the big game. I am a little concerned about Vegas this year. Not because of my friends going and the fact that some of them wont remember the trip. Not because there is a chance that someone in our group of on air hosts, clients and friends will throw up on someone else in the group.  I am concerned because the NY Giants made it to the game.

I have had 2 physical altercations in the last 5 years and both were with idiots from the "northeast". I went to the Bahamas last year and went into the sports bar to watch some football games that were going on that week. This sports bar only had 2 televisions. The focus while in the Bahamas isn't normally on football but for me it is everything on the weekends. When I walked in, both televisions were on the Giants vs. Tampa.  I went and asked  the bartender to please turn one of the TVs to the Dallas game. I had released the Cowboys and wanted to watch the game. When he turned one of the TVs to Dallas, this fat, stone belly, Tony Soprano wanna be yelled " yo yo yo yo don't touch that TV, the Giants are on."  I  then informed him HIS Giants were on the other TV 5 feet away. He said he only wanted to focus on the Giants game and didnt want to look up and mistake the other game for his game. I informed him I didn't give a rats a** about his A D D  and the Dallas game was staying. I will spare you the rest but you can imagine it didn't end well. I will tell you I watched every second of the Dallas game and he missed a bit of the Giants finish. 

I have seen a pattern of NY fans and I am not sure it is a good mix with the "all you can drink policy" Vegas has. I don't ask much, just show some manners. Dont shove, say please and thank you and stay away from me AFTER you get to the point you cant remember your name.

I am still working on who I am going to release but I am really going to work on having patience next weekend. You can take it from me, nothing spoils a Super Bowl party like an old fashion throw down. Have a good week and I will send updates before and then from LA and Vegas.

FAT PEOPLE-DONT WORRY,BE HAPPY

I turned on the TV the other day and saw the Mayor of Oklahoma City. He was talking about how the people in Oklahoma are "fatter" than in most places. I don't think I like the Mayor of a city talking about his people in that way. He could have said "the people in Oklahoma, although fat, are some of the friendliest people in the world."

I have had about enough of this "fat people are unhealthy" talk. Now some of you are thinking, "Jack, fat people ARE unhealthy." Maybe they are and maybe they are not, but I am still sick of hearing about it! I had 3 different people I know, die in the last 2 months and NONE of them died from heart disease. The studies show that a high % of people die from heart related illnesses. I ask you, what is a "high %" and who really cares? I am pretty sure that of all the deaths in the world, less than 50% die from being nicnamed "heavy..." That means that most of the people in the world will die from something other than being fat. If 10 people die and of those 10 people, 1 is struck by a bus, 2 people die from cancer, 2 more die from a freak panther accident, 1 is murdered by a "lover", 1 falls off a building and the rest die from being "fattys".. That means that MOST of those people died from something other than being fat.I guess you couold argue that the panther went after the fattest people or that the guy was pushed off the building because his belly made someone sick but STILL most were not killed by food or lack of exercise.

What I think is worst is we are spending A LOT of time worrying about how fat we are instead of being happy with who we are. Some people say " Jack, I work out so I will be more attractive." "Mr Right doesn't want me to look like a fat pig!" the fact is Mr Right probably doesnt like you because you arent funny or dont dance well and he only uses your weight as an excuse not to date you. Maybe you would be happier if you would find someone that thinks YOU are Mrs Right.

I have heard men talk about getting thin so the "hotties" will pay attention to them. Have you ever been to a gym? I have walked by a few gyms in my time and I will tell you some of the ugliest people in our society hang out at the gym. You cant exercise enough to get rid of ugly! There aren't enough curls in the world to overcome looking like a troll.

I think we would be better off thinking about how we treat others instead of worrying about what we ate for dinner.Pay a little more attention to the inside and less about the outside. How about taking someone out for dinner and saying " I want you to eat everything you want and I dont care if you blow up and look like a hippo!! If your happy, I'm happy."

Exercise may help some find happiness because it makes them feel better about themselves. I think you should do anything to help you feel good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself is a key to being happy.

I think everyone would be a lot happier if they would stop worrying about losing pounds and worry more about how to be happy with who they are.

Just 1 fat mans opinion.

THINKING ABOUT KILLING A CHICKEN!!

During each football and basketball season, there are good weeks and bad weeks. There are 5-0 days and 1-4 days. The thing that I am known for is having a lot more good weeks than bad weeks and more 5-0s than 1-4s.

The problem is, each year there are a few stretches that it seems no matter what I release, it is going to be a LOSER!! You won't hear other handicappers talk about these weeks because for most of them, this happens 2 or 3 times /month. For me, it is only two or three times a year but when I am in the middle of these bad runs, it is awful and my search begins to find something to break the streak. I have tried changing the times I release my selections. I have tried not watching TV while breaking down the games. I have tried not eating cheese until I have a winning week. I have tried ONLY eating cheese until it turns! BTW, That plan doesn't work and makes for a bad week even when I am winning again! I have had one other bad stretch like this one and it was in November. The good thing is that one only lasted 6 days and I followed it up with a 9-2 week. I am in about a 10 day run that I am hitting about 40% of my games. I am still having a good year abut I am sick of losing.

I think it is time to make a sacrifice to the gambling Gods. In the words of the Wonder Pets, "This is getting Serious!!" I am thinking about a Chicken. I am not a hunter and don't really like killing things but something has to be done!! At least if I kill a chicken, I could have Mrs. Fat Jack fry it up and we could eat the sacrifice. That way every one wins. The Gods are happy, I break my bad streak and I don't have to pay for dinner. I am not sure how my wife would feel if I came in the house with a headless chicken and said "honey, good news. My bad streak is over AND all you need to make is stuffing for dinner." That is probably a bad idea. I think I will keep breaking down the games the same way I have been and we will get Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner. Things will turn around like they always do. I should thank God I don't have these streaks more than a couple times a year.

We are passing tonight and I will be getting ready for a big weekend.

OK, I'VE CALMED DOWN

Well, I've calmed down. I am not going to go back into the topic of the email I did earlier because it will only make me angry. I will leave those topics for another day. I was sitting here waiting on the football games to come on and was thinking about my spring. Normally, I travel a lot in the spring. Breaking down the football games seems to take a lot more time than hoops do so as football wraps up, I spend more time on the road. I always go to the LA Poker Open at the end of Jan. ( I leave on 1-24 then I always host a Super Bowl Party in Vegas. I am the only guy that offers a guarantee for signing up for the service(see website for details) and as a result I host some of the radio personalities, my staff , some clients that want to go and friends in Vegas. This is always one of the highlights of the year. The saying "what happens in Vegas...." is true. I have seen some things out there that I will never forget.(pictures of Lindsay nude!!) Long story. After that my plans get a little sketchy. Last year I was invited to play in this "made for TV" high stakes poker game in Vegas. I had a speaking gig out there with a company the same weekend so I played in the poker gig too. I had a rough 2 hours and lost 35k !!Ouch!!! The speaking gig didn't pay anywhere near that so I left Vegas and took 2 months off from poker.

This year I am not sure what I am going to do after the Super Bowl. I need to go to Florida on some business so I may try and work in some beach time and make a vacation out of that trip.

I really want to go to the Kentucky Derby. I have never been there but I have heard it is great. I have a friend that went on a corporate gig last year. At one of their fancy dinners they had a horse racing "expert" come and talk about the race. I know they paid him to come in to speak and his horses finished 9th, 10th, and 13th. I don't know if I could do that bad if I tried to lose! Even if I was, I know I would be a lot more entertaining with my speech.

If you are a guy that owns a company and are going to take a bunch of "high brows" to the Kentucky Derby and are looking for someone to come in and talk about the race, give me a call. We may not win but I am cheap and I guarantee we will have fun!!!

Have a great day and good luck if you are playing the games.

I AM STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF!!!

I have been sitting at the computer for about an hour writing a blog that was sure to inform and entertain you. I am sure it was going to make your weekend a little bit better and in turn make my weekend a bit better. The blog talked about the difference between a "bookie" which is not legal and what I do which is legal. It talked about gambling laws in America. It also touched on Christianity and started to address some of the ignorances that some "church goers" have in regards to gambling. I worked on this blog for more than an hour and I dare say was going to be one of my best and most informative entries yet. Just as I finished, the st@%@#@ computer shut off and erased all of my work!!!!!! I am telling you, sometimes I think it would be easier to go find the unibombers cabin and start hunting bear and throw this computer out the window!!!!!

I will try again later to inform and entertain. I am out of energy.

A TIME TO DANCE

 My wifes birthday is in March. Now most of you will say, Jack why are we talking about your wifes birthday if it isn't until March. Well,  she told me she wants to take ballroom dancing lessons as my gift to her.  You have got to be kidding me! Like a lot of you my family loves the show Dancing with The Stars. They would gather around the television 3 or 4 times a week to see who was going to be kicked off the show.  I never watched the show because I don't like Marie Osmond and frankly I thought the show was irritating. There is no way I am going to take dance lessons! Not because I think it is gay ( not that there is anything wrong with that)  but because as bad of a ballroom dancer I would be, my wife would be worse! My wife is beautiful and a wonderful person but my wife thinks she is 19 and weighs 100 lbs. The last time we danced , everything was going fine, the Backstreet Boys were rocking the crowd and all the sudden my wife yells " dip me !" She starts to dip about the time I said " what?" Down she goes! I tried to grab her and went down on top of her. We rolled into the back of the legs of another "groover" who went down like Harry in dumb and dumber when he was hit with the cane. We stumbled back to our feet and the dancing was over! Why on earth would I want to go through that again.  I will keep you updated but I need to find a good consolation gift for her in the next couple of months.

National Championship game tonight. We had a great December and then have stumbled in the last week or so. Thankfully hoops is here and going great. Sign up today and get a great value through the Super Bowl.

THINGS I SAW ON MY CHRISTMAS VACATION

I am back from vacation. It is funny but I see some of the funniest things when I am out of town. I am not sure if it is because I pay more attention to people around me when I am not at home or if just most of the funny people don't live in Oklahoma. Most of the funny people around here are either at the flea market or at the rodeo. I don't get to those places much so maybe I am missing a lot of the funny stuff. Well, here are a few things I found to be funny while I was gone.

5. While at the Las Vegas Bowl I saw the "whitest" group of fans in the world. I am pretty sure you have to be white,have 2 kids and a dog to be a fan of BYU. We sat in their section and it was like we were watching a game in the snow. WHITE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

4. While in the Bahamas, I saw Harry Connick Jr. yelling at his 4 and 6 year old kids on the elevator. We saw a lot of "famous' people and he was my favorite. Really seemed like a good guy and a GREAT parent. You don't see a lot of stars with their kids and none repremanding them.

3. I saw a midget with a shirt on that said "tell your mom to stop texting me." I don't have anything against "little people" but that was funny!

2. I saw Roger Clemons. Not that funny but I am pretty sure I could take him steroids or not.

1. I saw James Gandolfini AKA Tony Soprano riding in an inter tube up a crane on the lazy river @ the Atlantis. He IS Tony Soprano and to see him stuffed in an inter tube riding on a lazy river was worth the price of the trip.

Have a great weekend and I will check back in a couple of days.